Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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