New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
