Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
