My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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