i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
