He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
