I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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