rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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