oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
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could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
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I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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