I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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