YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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