I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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