Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
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I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
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Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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