If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
