This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
