That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
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Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
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You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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