I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
