How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
