His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
