I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
