Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
