True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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