Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
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And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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