I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
