Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
