my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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