And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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