Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
