omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
