So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
