upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
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If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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