i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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