Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
