I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
