omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
