mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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