Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
