she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
