Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
