so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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