Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
