we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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