Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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