the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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