If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i will never coherently bang her
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I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
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When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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