Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
