woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest