I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
