so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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