The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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