I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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