she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
