I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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