Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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