I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis