I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.