Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek