Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
