i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
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The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
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I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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