well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
