Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
